"Okay HGTV!" Trying to Execute My Style While Disabled

That's what my daughter said to me after I shared with her some ideas that I had to improve our home. It has been just shy of three years since I purchased that home and I barely did more than live here. I have made a few changes that reflect my personality like decorating the main floor half bath and getting a few pieces of furniture. But the rest has just been a place for everyone to live. There are no pictures on the walls of anyone or really anything. I feel a bit awkward to mention this but in these last few years this didn't feel like my home. Yes, I signed the papers and got the keys, but I never really connected with it at all. It felt like another temporary stop. Mind you, my last place I stayed at for maybe eight years before I brought this place. Too much to unpack for this post but I would also like to include that during this time I also experienced a string of back-to-back to back flare ups of new and worsening ailments. Still, I managed to smile each time, though many on the inside, when I put the key into the door of my home. My true satisfaction came from them having somewhere to call home and for them to enjoy.

Fast forward to present day me. I noticed that as I truly looked around my place that my gratefulness started to change into a place of discontent. I was uninspired. I would walk up to my door and be irritated by the way that the front looked. It was designed by the previous owners, and I really disliked it. I took issue with the flat paint, the wall that I wish wasn't there, the bathroom that needed to be gutted and the lack of style the lack of art. However, the main issue here was that I seriously lacked any true ability to make any of the changes that I wanted to make largely in part to my severe lack of energy. I used to be the woman who lugged bags of laundry down the street with two little kids in tow in all weather conditions but now I have sore bendy joints and cold urticaria and heat intolerance. I could put together furniture from IKEA and loved it. Now my two children handle the tasks with the same vigor that I had not long ago. I would paint and hang pictures on a whim but that whole hands above the head and fainting thing, is a thing. By now you get the drift. My body is actively declining, and I find that my inspiration gets locked inside with no way to get out. There are many a day that I would lay in my bed and loathe the unorganized pile in the corner but have no energy to deal with it. But once I get 2.5 bars I would tackle that mess and fall back into bed satisfied.

The other thing that gets delayed like a dream deferred is my inspiration. I have great ideas but I am indecisive. This is only exacerbated by the brain fog. I get it honestly from POTS but I also have an autoimmune disease (more on that soon), iron deficient anemia that gets worse with iron infusions and thalassemia beta minor trait but with a bit of the affects. All cause fatigue and brain fog so that gives me a circulation issue and when the blood does get to the brain, its not fully oxygenated. Still, I rise...right? Most days. Back to my inspo. It can come like an arrow shot in the dark but with the lack of ability to follow it up, it falls behind the bed somewhere in the realm of good ideas and intentions but not essential to survival. What's different? you say. Absolutely nothing but the realization that I am not getting better. Here I admitted it to myself finally. I am not. But I still can do what I can to have joy. That has been my new motivation. That whole waiting until I was a bit better to do xyz became really destructive to me because each time that I got worse or something else came along, it was demoralizing but I rose like a Phoenix. But I tell you that even they must get tired of choking on ashes. The pivot came in truly applying Matthew 6:34 Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. I only can care about today and what I can get done. Let tomorrow take care of itself. So, Nicole, what are you waiting on? Nothing

Enter in, "Okay HGTV!". I knew that I since I couldn't do all the things that I wanted to get done myself, I had to outsource. A dear friend of mine has dubbed me the Connecter because I am decent at finding information, people and resources. I can do it for others so why not do it for yourself...right? Well there is that impatience that I have to work out and how else to do I do that by depending on others WOOSAH. Learning to delegate is another chore. Yes, asking for help and then waiting on said help is a necessary part of the process. I also have asthma so repeating myself is like wasting an irreplaceable commodity but, I digress. I must be patient. Did I mention before that I am thankful for my family in the home? They are awesome. Truly. My son has gone on Facebook Market find runs for me, both he and my daughter put together furniture. Mom and Stepfather are like little worker bees that keep this home running without me asking. Things like this let me indulge in my projects and then collapse in exhaustion knowing that everything is done. Outsourcing to people in my life and just waiting for them to be available. There are many unsung heros in my life. I can't pour into ones with the abundance of energy that I had before but I still try to send a few drops here and there. It is hard to maintain connections when I am fighting for each moment and each thought. I try.

Putting these things in practice help me work on being grateful, reducing that pride that keeps me isolated and unfulfilled. It expands on that patience that is ever needed and as a result, I actually have somethings done! My living room is painted, my breakfast nook idea in the dining room is taking shape. My shelves are almost up, I have a "new" vintage side table and the list goes on. The patience extends inward as well. I have something that has hijacked my body and I just can't do like I used to. I may never be able to but I can still do once I accept my reality and the expectation.

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Until Next Time 🩵