Parenting: Slightly Emptier Nest

empty room with sunlight pouring

Guys, guys, guys...my household just got smaller 😟. Yes, the drama is every bit warranted because I am a mom and I love my children. There isn't a lot of talk about parenting with chronic illness like mine because many who speak out seem to be young or they have become very ill and having a child seems like an impossible task. There are some who soldier on, no matter the challenges and love their children and provide just the same. I had my children long before I got ill.

Looking back, I have had symptoms for most of my life, but by the time everything fell apart in 2009, I was already a mom of two children, one 14 and the other 9. Since everything went bad so quickly, there was no ramp up to the decline just a fall off a sharp cliff into the abyss of the unknown of chronic illness. Through it all, I still pushed this flesh to work my full-time job to provide for my babies and give them love with all that I had. To say that it was rocky, would not be even close to express the fullness of the adjustment needed for me to be their mom. Two years before we moved to a whole new state, to a new school system and we were in a completely new environment. Then I was beset with new set of illnesses that appeared and it all began to spiral. The illness took so much of my time and attention, but I also had a full-fledged teen so I could afford let up on parenting. My little guy still needed his mom too and I showed up even while laying down. So much to unpack there. Maybe I can write more about it if someone wants to read more about it.

We eventually adjusted but it took a couple of years to acknowledge that this just wasn't a blip on the radar of my life, more like a permanent change. Initially, my daughter was helpful, but I could tell that she didn't want to be burdened with my care. Her world changed as quickly as mine. She was a typical teen who wanted to do teen things and not deal with a sick mom. Oh, and a single mom at that. So, there was no one else in the home, besides my younger child. Eventually, those lumps and bumps were ironed out over the years and she really became my greatest support. I jokingly refer to her as my emotional support child. I can only imagine her worry through the hospitalizations, surgeries, close calls, falling out, syncope and more...yes, more! That had to be so stressful for a child to see. I made it a priority to do as much as I could for myself even as I declined because I want her to have her own life. Her life should not be that of a caregiver this early, if at all. My son is very hands on as well, but my daughter took on so much herself, so I am writing from her point of view.

I wanted her to have a life of her own and not become my mom, in a sense. I worry about my kids, alot, but that's a normal mom thing. She needed to be more care-free, enjoy life because once this time is gone, we can't put it on pause and get it back. I know I would if I could. I pushed her to be independent because I realized how co-dependent that we had both become. As a result, in the last few years, my daughter began to do more on her own. More outings, making decisions without fear and I was happy to see it. I had gotten lost in a chunk of time, when things got pretty bad and I stopped parenting. I stopped guiding and was just surviving. They both deserved more so I began to shrink, if you will, so they would grow. I asked for less, I pushed to do more and I watched them thrive. Her confidence grew and guess what? At the end of January, she moved out. It's been a buildup overtime and all I can think of is, she believed that she could, so she did. Whomever, that can be attributed to. One thing that I have mentioned to my kids over the last few years is that I need them to be able to take care of themselves because my life is not guaranteed. I would hate to leave this earth and they were not prepared. They both took heed and one has moved out. My son claims that he is not going anywhere but that is another story.

It does hurt to walk past her room to see it empty. I can't stand in her doorway and ask her about her day anymore. I can't send her a text and hear her footsteps approach my room. I can't go to bed and expect to hear her tip toe in, kiss me goodnight and turn out the light. That means that I just have to train my son now 😂. I am a bit sad, but I am overjoyed because she did it. We didn't end on bad terms, she wasn't forced out, and I didn't irritate her to cause her to go. God opened an impossible door (for us to see) and she was ready to walk through. I used to tell her to be ready and prepared because there is nothing worse than an opportunity being made available and you are not able to take it because you are not ready. She listened and was ready.

Her room will be my work from home office/guest room. But nothing will be done to make it hard for her to come back if needed because this economy is taking no prisoners! I am sad because my daily life is altered but it's in a good way and an adjustment. Parenting while chronically ill deserves some type of merit badge but truly, my badge of honor is seeing their success. For those who are chronically ill and are parents, it is possible to raise well-adjusted adults. One thing that I did was not bemoan what I couldn't do but instead focused on what I could and also be consistent.

Since my daughter moved, she had been over a couple of times. Most notable for my birthday, this past Saturday. She is also my sister in Christ so I will see her twice a week anyway. Love her so much.

Until we meet again 🩵